Okay! It has been ages, but I did intend to write a blog post about attractive famous people. After all, isn't that the sort of thing that people are supposed to write about? I would probably be neglecting the whole "blog" genre if I didn't tackle the subject at least once.
1. Les Claypool
That dude from Primus. Not usually into stoner themes myself, but he's just so damn weird and smart. I'm even attracted to the sound of the bass playing when there is no video to confirm that there is a person responsible for those noises. That's no small achievement on the part of Mister Claypool over here. His voice reminds me of the sound of rubber bands snapping, and my husband can do a good imitation of it, and this makes me smile.
2. Joe "Joey Pants" Pantoliano
Yes, I know. I wanted his character to get killed on The Sopranos, too, because he was almost too upsetting to watch. Brilliant, but horrible, but brilliant, but horrible--just a carousel of uncomfortable for me.
But for a long, long time, since around when Memento and The Matrix first came out, I have had a gut feeling that this actor and I would understand each other extremely well. Well enough to maybe talk for hours on end if we ever met on equal footing, as peers.
There is a bizarre, intelligent, quite sad and self-depricating sense of humor in the body language he uses when acting, like the weight of the world is one big, freakin' joke that never lets up, no matter how much you could use a rest. David Lynch uses a similar sense of humor, but Mr. Pantoliano's work comes across as less emotionally detached than Mr. Lynch's work. I like that. Plus, his acting is fearless. His performances surprise me, and I respect that.
A total "I knew I liked that guy for a reason" bonus is his recent No Kidding, Me Too nonprofit, which stemmed out of a documentary he made to destigmatize mental illness. Destigmatizing mental illness is one of my favorite things in the world! What's better than a hearty mixture of compassion, humility, healing and honesty? I have no idea. But yes, even though he is older than me and not a traditional pretty boy, I find this remarkable, unusual genius to be damn hot. Almost embarrassingly hot, actually. Yes, I think I'm actually a bit timid about officially publishing this post now. But blogs are supposed to be self-confessional, aren't they?
3. Isaiah Mustafa
OK, to get back to safer territory, I'm going to list somebody that everyone finds attractive. Comedic timing? Check. Comedic bravery? Check. Wit? Double check. And bonus points for using a monocle. Plus, he is conveniently gorgeous, and isn't he from Portland? Portland is like Seattle's slightly distant, cool friend. I think we can all agree, Isaiah Mustafa is one of the most attractive famous people in the history of attractive famous people. We do agree? Excellent! Time to move on.
4. Gary Oldman
I have long considered the scene from Leon in which Mr. Oldman's character destroys an apartment and the family living in it to be one of the most aesthetically appealing scenes from any movie, ever. Male beauty, madness, chaos, a bit of vulgarity, a musical gait, I just like all of it. If movies have to be violent, let it be this kind of Luc Besson violence.
Like Mr. Pantoliano, Mr. Oldman's performances tend to radiate an almost subliminal, bleak sense of humor that seems to treat the weight of intense psychological pain like its own punchline. And like Mr. Pantoliano, Mr. Oldman has opted to wear his personal pain on his sleeve with honesty and grace. (My husband has pointed out that I appear to have a type, and I guess that I kind of do. But discussing my real life is not conducive to discussing famous people! I have a theme to keep up!)
Not only has Gary Oldman been open about getting sober, but his directorial debut Nil By Mouth was a vaguely autobiographical punch in the soul so accurate that Eric Clapton approached him and requested to get to do the score. It was like Sherman Alexie poetry if, instead of being from around here, Sherman Alexie was from a bad part of London.
Also, Gary Oldman made a cute Sid Vicious.
5. Sherman Alexie
Author, poet, genius, local hero and dreamboat, Mr. Alexie has the rare distinction of being someone that I've been infatuated with since way BEFORE I knew what he looks like. Looks don't exactly matter when someone can write like he does--it takes a lot of wit, soul, insight and talent to get to me like that, but Sherman Alexie is legitimately that cool.
It should be noted that he once wrote a sports column for Seattle alternative newspaper The Stranger. It was bizarre. What a guy!
6. Chris Barrie
Back in 7th grade, my best friend at the time introduced me to the old 48-hour PBS marathons of Red Dwarf that became a staple of my adolescence. She, in the fashion of territorial middle school girls everywhere, called fan dibs on Craig Charles's character immediately. As a result, being the respectful girl that I always have been, I looked at his character as "my best friend's television boyfriend" and not someone to just ogle.
Still, if you look for it, the Charles Lister approach to cool has thoroughly saturated my unconscious mind. You'll see the influence in my t-shirt collection, my goofy nonchalance, my pride in downing questionable foods, in the subtle cartoonishness of my moment-to-moment gestures. My miscreant youth spent writing bad poetry and sticking cigarettes in my ear. The way that even my moments of genuine, emotional nobility are punctuated by bad slapstick.
But Chris Barrie... While respectfully just modeling myself after my 7th grade best friend's "television boyfriend," there remained Chris Barrie.
I don't know. I like a man who's willing to be the butt of an unflattering joke, especially if he's obviously trying to refrain from laughing at the joke himself. Plus, you can call me simpleminded, but he was in pretty damn good shape, particularly in the first seasons, and there's something strangely sympathetic and appealing about weird monologues that address how unfinished it feels to be dead while still conscious.
7. Rosario Dawson
To switch things up for a moment, I thought it was about time to add a woman to the list. But Rosario Dawson is attractive enough to turn anybody's head.
She personifies the absolutely killer combination of fearless, dorky enthusiasm with a certain "coolest kid on the playground" air. Plus, she is one of the best-looking people in the history of human beings. She's worked with Kevin Smith, so I know she can nerd out. She's worked with Spike Lee, so I know she has a sense of history and importance. She's worked with Robert Rodriguez, so I know she can be playful. She's worked with Quentin Tarrantino, so I know she can be hip. And didn't she geek out about marine biology on the Conan O'Brien show a few weeks ago? In my book, she is THE most attractive, famous person who is also a woman. If I'm to include a woman in my list of attractive famous people, it needs to be Rosario Dawson.
8. Mike Patton
Every girl has a go-to heavy metal band that she can listen to when she needs to block the world out and fantasize about being a telekinetic secret agent or whatever. Mine is Faith No More, particularly the album King for a Day, Fool for a Lifetime.
Like just about everybody I find attractive, Mike Patton's performance persona comes across as being painfully overstuffed with bizarre intelligence, and his artwork seems to absolutely always contain a subtle, bitter, almost David Lynch sense of humor, on top of whatever else is going on.
Plus, as if that wasn't enough, I can very easily convince myself that sometimes, some of the songs that he sings are vaguely about whatever TV show happens to be my favorite at the time.
For example, I am currently convinced that the song Your Neighborhood Spaceman, from the self-titled Peeping Tom album is at least vaguely about Doctor Who. Check it:
"I'm your neighborhood spaceman, don't know WHO I am, where I've been."
Eh? Eh?
Now, this album came out in 2006, and Christopher Eccleston's tenure as the Ninth Doctor was first aired in 2005. So the timing is right. And I mean:
"Time's light has reached your eyes, world has lived and died, but we're here."
Maybe that's not written about Rose Tyler's experience in the last episode of the first season of the revamped Doctor Who. But that's all that I, a dorky fangirl of limited imagination, can think of it as being about. And this makes me quite, quite happy.
To jump to another song, I also like to interpret parts of the song What A Day (from King for a Day, Fool for a Lifetime) as being about the Twin Peaks protagonist Dale Cooper trying to find the proper connection between bits of evidence while beating himself up for not being more aggressive when he had the chance.
"A piece of hair, a letterhead. A piece of hair on a human head."
Maybe it's a BIT of a stretch of the imagination, as a letterhead is not the same thing as a single cutout letter jammed under the fingernail of a female corpse. But at least the song legitimately quotes one of my favorite books of all time. The line "Kill the body and the head will die," is a nod to Hunter Thompson even if it's not being intentionally used to express regret at not killing Windom Earle years ago.
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It is at this point in my blogging process that I realize that I have creatively exhausted myself. I'm now just geeking out about why my favorite songs should be considered homages to my favorite pop culture stories. Which is only one step above sleep-typing, no matter how much entertainment value I get out of the subject.
I should probably make some kind of mention of Robert Downey Jr., however, before I call it a night.
Of course, of course, Robert Downey Jr. is attractive. Not only is he a permanently compelling genius whose work sparkles with the intelligent processing of strange personal demons, but his recent productivity as an actor under the personal attention of his wife, producer Susan Downey, is practically a miniature golden era of reasons to spring for movie theater tickets in spite of the recession. Wow. Run-on sentence right there. But I'll leave it as is, because this is a blog.
And with that, it's time to publish this thing and follow it with more photos of my cats. Good night, internet!
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